Last December, almost exactly a year and a month ago, I was lost and confused. I felt like I was failing in every area of my life, and letting everyone down in the process. Here’s what I wrote in my journal on December 16, 2015 –
I’ve come into a season of transition and change. I have no idea which direction I’m going to turn, but I feel like it’s important to start writing down the pieces of the puzzle that the Lord is giving me.
About a month ago I felt like I was having a mid-life crisis because I was looking at my life realizing I wasn’t where I thought I was supposed to be, which to me, looked like failure. I realized I was no longer the face of anti-trafficking (my husband and I helped start an anti-trafficking coalition a few years ago), because over time that has become Matt’s role. My role as a mom was changing because Malea is getting older and in the process of not understanding the transition, I felt like I was failing as a mom. I felt like everything in my life had turned upside down and that I wasn’t doing anything well (enter a lot of tears, a lot of frustration, discontentment and me finally throwing my hands up and seeking the Lord).
Looking back I feel like it had been a long time coming, because I kept hearing the Lord calling me, but I kept walking on the path I “knew” I was supposed to be on, until I was so uncomfortable and so discontent that I had no choice but to give up. If I weren’t so stubborn, I probably wouldn’t have had to get so uncomfortable. I wonder if I’ll ever learn….?
I’m not exactly sure when/where the transition started but I feel like a big turning point was meeting and talking through all of this with my friend on December 10th. Our time opened up a conversation that lead me to look at the pieces of what’s going on, more as a puzzle, rather than my life stacking up against me. Maybe I’m not the face of anti-trafficking anymore because that’s not where God wants me. Maybe I’m not failing as a mom, I just need to ask God for wisdom and how I can best reach my daughter in this season of her life. And maybe I’m so uncomfortable where I am because I’m on the brink of something, a new season, a new dream.
This excites me and terrifies me all at the same time, because I’ve been where I’m at for so long that I don’t even know if I know how to do anything else. But maybe, just maybe the last season has set me up for the new one.
Just a few weeks after I wrote that in my journal, I was up late one night, everyone else was in bed, and God gave me a vision. At the time I felt like it was a big piece of the puzzle, I felt like in the future this vision could be another blog, or even a book someday. The vision was a title and that night I created this –
The word the Lord gave me to go along with the title was this –
Having faith, and walking in faith brings fullness, but it’s all about faithfulness to the Lord because without Him, we are nothing.”
After I created the title and wrote that down, God started reminding me of all the journeys I’ve been on because of saying “yes” to Him and I felt convicted to start writing those down, because I knew someday He wanted to use them.
And here we are.
A new blog filled with my stories, my heart, my dreams, my prayers and my stories of faith.
I have no idea where this journey will take me but my hope and prayer is that my stories will inspire you to go deeper with the Lord, to know Him deeper, to trust Him more and to set out on your own journeys of faith, with Him.