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You are here: Home / Identity / Depression and Disappointment

Depression and Disappointment

I was talking to a friend a while back about her disappointment with the Lord, in the way her first child came into the world. Walking away from that conversation the Lord reminded me of my own story of disappointment, and how I’ve never shared it with anyone. If you’ve been reading my blog for a while then you know I’m all about vulnerability, and sharing our experiences, because if we don’t, we all end up isolated, thinking we’re the only one struggling.

My disappointment didn’t come from they way my daughter entered the world, it came from everything that happened after that. Since the time Matt and I were dating we always knew we would have 2 daughters, which we do, but the way in which we had 2 daughters was never my plan.

When Matt and I decided to start trying for our first child I had a really hard time getting pregnant. It was an incredibly painful process both physically (I had issues with my ovaries) and emotionally. A few times people mentioned we should consider adopting, but that wasn’t what we wanted.

When I finally got pregnant with Malea we were overjoyed and of course when the doctor told us she was a girl, we were not surprised, just thankful for God’s faithfulness. I had a good pregnancy, no complications and I had an awesome water birth. After giving birth the nurse told me we should have lots of kids because my body was “made for giving birth”.

It was what happened after all of that, that lead to my disappointment and heartache. Becoming a first time mom wasn’t all sunshine and roses for me, like it is for so many, in fact it was the complete opposite.

I found myself in the darkness of postpartum depression and a spiral downward that I couldn’t seem to stop. It was about 6 weeks before my mom recognized what was going on and told me I needed to get help.

I remember sitting in my rocking chair, holding Malea, and feeling like I was dying inside. I recognized in those early months that God was going to have to change my husband’s heart because I knew we were never going to be able to have a second daughter.

It wasn’t what I wanted but it was my reality. Talking to my husband about not having a second child, was one of the harder conversations I’ve had to have with him because I knew I was destroying the dreams we’d had for our family. But I also knew I was living in a version of Hell that I could never go back to, a place so dark, so lonely, so terrifying that if I ever ventured back, I knew it would swallow me up.

I was devastated, angry and heartbroken.

To this day when Malea asks me for a little brother or sister it rips my heart out because I know she would have been the most amazing big sister. When I see her with my friends’ younger kids I feel guilty for not being able to give her the sister I had always dreamed of. And the worst is when she asks me “why” and the only answer I can give her “is because mommy got really sick after having you”.

It feels like the worst answer ever, the biggest cop-out, but I knew, and I still know, that if I hadn’t made the decision I did, that I wouldn’t be the mom I am for her today.

In processing all of this the last couple days I asked myself why I’d never shared this with anyone, why I’d never talked about my disappointment and why I haven’t told people about the pain I still work through every time Malea asks me for a sibling. The best answer I could think of was, “I don’t know.”

When I realized early on that God had changed up our story I began to process my pain with Him. I knew I had to give it to Him because if I didn’t, I wouldn’t survive.

When my sister got pregnant with her second, and my sister-in-law with her second, and all of my friends with their seconds, thirds, etc. it was a reminder of what I would never have, that my story was different. A reminder that I couldn’t give my daughter a sister, and each time I had to mourn that loss. Even as recently as six months ago I caught myself thinking, maybe it would be different now, maybe we should try again.

But the Lord, in His goodness, continually reminds me that He’s the one writing my story and that I need to give my story back to Him. I need to remember to trust Him, instead of questioning “why?”.

You are faithful to fulfill every promise you’ve made. You manifest yourself as Kindness in all you do! When you open your generous hand, it’s full of blessings, satisfying the longings of every living thing. You are fair and righteous in everything you do, and your love is wrapped into all your works. You draw near to those who call out to you, listening ever closely, especially when their hearts are true.” Psalm 145:13b, 16-17 (tPt)

I think one of the reasons I’ve never shared this story is because it’s so personal and it feels like this intimate conversation I’ve had with the Lord off and on for the last 8 1/2 years, but after my conversation with my friend, the Lord told me it was time. Time to share our intimate conversation, my pain, my disappointment and His goodness.

And here’s what I’ve learned from my 8 1/2 year conversation with the Lord – I’ve discovered how trusting the Lord with my story has changed everything. I’ve seen first hand that even through our pain, He is good, but I’ve also learned that if we don’t let go of our pain and give it to Him, then we will never move past it and we will never experience the fullness of His glory.

If your faith remains strong, even while surrounded by life’s difficulties, you will continue to experience the untold blessings of God! True happiness comes as you pass the test with faith, and receive the victorious crown of life promised to every lover of God!” James 1:12 (tPt)

Our family, my story, none of it has turned out the way I thought it would. My desire was to give birth to 2 little girls, to raise them together, the way I was with my sisters. But God had a different plan, a plan that involved rescuing one of His daughters (read about our adoption HERE). His plan has taken so much more faith, so much more courage, SO many more tears, but His plan has also given me a life I never imagined possible because I have to continually give my heart and my story back to Him. I’ve had to let go of what I thought I wanted/needed, SO many times, to trust Him to write His story on my life.

Through your mighty power I can walk through any devastation and you will keep me alive, reviving me. You keep every promise you’ve ever made to me! Sine your love for me is so constant and endless, I ask you Lord, to finish every good thing that you’ve begun in me! You’ve gone into my future to prepare the way, and in kindness you follow behind me to spare me from the harm of my past. With your hand of love upon my life, you impart a Father’s blessing to me. This is just too wonderful, deep, and incomprehensible! Your understanding of me brings me wonder and strength.” Psalm 138:7-8, 139:5-6 (tPt)

Each of us has disappointments in our lives but we need to remember that God is the one writing our story. We need to let go of control and trust Him to write His story on our lives, instead of always questioning, "why?". | Faith-fullness.net

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Filed Under: Identity, Kids, Parenting 1 Comment

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  1. Linda Miller says

    August 21, 2017 at 8:47 am

    Thank you Anna for sharing this very private part of your life. It is hard to share subjects like that, one because some people always feel like they want to help you and say things that are not always helpful, about what you can do about it. We are so hard on ourselves and when we share we become even harder. It’s hard to see that God just wants us to be open and share, He will handle the rest.
    Sending you love…Linda

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Meet Anna

Hi, I'm Anna! Wife, mother, child of God, and the founder of Faith|Fullness. The pages of this blog are filled with my journeys of faith and the adventures that saying "yes" to God have taken me on. Read More…

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Find me on Instagram – @anna_m_moseley

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So proud of our girl! A quick weekend trip to the So proud of our girl! A quick weekend trip to the Reno T&T gymnastics competition, resulted in 2 medals for Malea!! A bronze in Tumble Track and a silver in Double Mini. 
We also discovered Emilia has mad skills at Fuze ball, and she scooped Matt. 🤣 
We are proud parents, Malea now has 2 competitions under her belt, and 4 metals to show for it! 👏🏻 👊🏻👏🏻
#MaleaElizabeth
I never post political stuff but Zelensky's speech I never post political stuff but Zelensky's speech this morning, broke my heart. I don't understand how we are not doing something to help these people out. I know if we had someone bombing our country, we would demand help from others, how can we just sit back and watch this happens. My heart is breaking for President Zelensky and the burden he's carrying right now. If you haven't watched the speech from this morning, please take the time to watch it, it's powerful, and heartbreaking. 

"Today my age stopped when the hearts of more than 100 children stopped beating. I see no sense in life, if it means it cannot stop the deaths." - Zelensky
Day 8 - Our last day. 😢 After packing we headed Day 8 - Our last day. 😢 After packing we headed back to Makena beach to take in our last waves, and Malea found some big ones. 
🌊
After a couple hours we said our goodbyes to the waves (and the chickens at the beach) and as we walked away I wondered if it would be another 20 years until I get to be here, and how much life has happened since I had been there last. It really is amazing how time flies. 
🌊
Next we went back into Kihei for lunch, some last minute shopping, and a must-stop, for me, Cones on Kihei, where my cousin worked when we lived here. The smell of the  freshly made cones took me right back, and they still had my favorite flavor!! It was fun to get to share this delicious treat with the girls. 
🌊
Then it was back to the condo to get cleaned up and ready to leave. I am so grateful for our time here, the hours at the beach, the beautiful meals, and watching how much the girls loved so many of the things I love about this island. I hope we get to come back but even if we don’t, my heart is full and I am thankful I got to return and relive/revisit so many things from, what feels like, a lifetime ago. Goodbye Maui! 
@mmoseley15 @emilia_boehmer #MaleaElizabeth
Day 7 - Our last full day was probably one of my f Day 7 - Our last full day was probably one of my favorites with a hike out in the lava fields, then snorkeling with Malea, and views of some bright yellow fish before we left. 
🐠
Then we headed into town and had the best sandwiches at @808deli. After lunch the girls were exhausted so we dropped them off and Matt and I walked the beach path in Wailea. We saw lots of whales jumping and even some turtles in the reef. We walked the beach and took in all the beautiful views of this wonderful island. 
🌊 
Next we picked up the girls and headed to Makena beach for some more beach time. The girls played in the waves until we had to pull them from them, so we could go get ready for our luau. 
🌊
We hit the road to Lahaina and headed to the @oldlahainaluau. This was such a good luau, ran like a well oiled machine with stellar service and beautiful dancing, sunsets and the best mocktails of the trip (the girls were in Heaven). 
🌊
Trying not to think about leaving tomorrow, but taking in all the stars and crashing waves, while I still can. 
@mmoseley15 @emilia_boehmer #MaleaElizabeth
Day 6 - Lots of birthday celebration! Malea turned Day 6 - Lots of birthday celebration! Malea turned 13 and we celebrated with a little party in the morning, then headed to the waves. 
🥳
We went back to the cove, where the girls surfed for hours and caught lots of waves. Then we had lunch at a beautiful, and delicious food truck park, set in a canopy of trees. 
🥳
Then it was back up the condo for some out of the sun rest time, and then, of course, we finished out the day at Makena beach, where the girls played in the waves until we had to leave to get ready for dinner. 
🥳
We celebrated in Lahaina with ribs, for my rib girl, and then of course, Hula Pie. 😋 
🥳
It was the best way to celebrate our baby girl turning 13, and a birthday I’m sure she will always remember. 
@mmoseley15 @emilia_boehmer #MaleaElizabeth
Happy 13th birthday to one of my most favorite peo Happy 13th birthday to one of my most favorite people ever. Malea, since the day you were born you have been such a blessing. You love big, you love unconditionally, you live large and you are an over-comer. 
💜
I have learned so much from you, you make me a better person, and I can’t wait to see what this next year has in store for you! Wuv you baby girl!!! 
#MaleaElizabeth
Day 5 - Started the morning with the girls surfing Day 5 - Started the morning with the girls surfing the cove, where I learned to surf. There were tons of other people there taking lessons but the girls had a blast, and caught tons of waves. Malea is officially hooked on surfing. Yay!! 🏄‍♀️ 
🌊
After hours of surfing we headed back to the house for some down time, and then back to Makena Beach to close out the day playing in the waves, and drinking margaritas to celebrate margarita day. 
🌊
We enjoyed a beautiful sunset, and an incredible meal at Hotel Wailea then headed home and were surprised by fireworks! What a perfect way to spend Malea’s birthday eve. 
🌊
Matt and I decorated before bed and then I laid in bed thinking about where I was 12 years ago and how the best gift I’ve ever received came at 11:29pm the next evening. 
@mmoseley15 @emilia_boehmer #MaleaElizabeth
Day 4 - Started the day with worship, and our frie Day 4 - Started the day with worship, and our friend’s baptism, at the beach, which was followed by celebration, even by the whales. 
🌊
After the baptisms we picked up surfboards and headed to the waves. It was low tide, so the waves were small, but the girls had a blast and we even got to see more whales.
🌊
Then we headed back to Makena Beach, for some more wave time and found so many chickens! 🐓 8 roosters to be exact ( Malea counted them). 
🌊
Next headed home, and enjoyed wine on the patio, which has been Matt and my afternoon tradition, since we got here. 
🌊
After getting ready for dinner, we did something we used to do, almost every night when we lived here, and watched the sunset from the rock wall, in Kihei across from where we lived. It was so fun getting to experience the magic of the sun setting over the Pacific coast, with my family. 
🌊
After dinner we met up with our friends to talk about the baptism and catch up since we haven’t hung out in awhile. We ended up back at our place, talking late into the night. I am so grateful for how much the Lord has done in all of our lives since we met a few years ago. 
🌊
Tomorrow more surfing and more sun. Maui perfection. 
#MaleaElizabeth @mmoseley15 @emilia_boehmer
Day 3 - Started with a 3.4 mile run, with @mmosele Day 3 - Started with a 3.4 mile run, with @mmoseley15, and lots of beautiful views. 
🌊
It was too windy to surf today so instead we headed to Lahaina for lunch (a very messy lunch for my little rib lover) and some shopping.  We scouted out beaches on the way home, and stopped for some fresh fruit at the roadside stand. 
🌊 
Everyone was exhausted but we needed some beach time so we finished up the day with the waves at Wailea beach and another beautiful sunset. 
🌊
Excited because tomorrow we finally surf! 🏄‍♀️ 
#MaleaElizabeth @emilia_boehmer
Day 2- my favorite beach, Makena beach. We used to Day 2- my favorite beach, Makena beach. We used to spend hours, and days here, so it was a dream come true to get to spend hours in the waves and on the beach with Matt and Malea yesterday. It’s as beautiful as I remember it and I was so thankful to be back. 
🌊
After hours of beach time it was a food truck lunch, and time to head into Kihei, my old stomping grounds. We took the girls to the open market where they shopped and shopped, then we ended with shaved ice. 
🌊
The day ended with another beautiful sunset and dinner at MonkeyPod Kitchen, with the best Mai Tais we’ve had and Malea trying to convince Emilia to let her teach her how to cube. 🤣
🌊
Tomorrow we surf. 🤗 🏄‍♀️ 
@mmoseley15 @emilia_boehmer #MaleaElizabeth
Day 1 (yesterday)- A few thankful tears were shed Day 1 (yesterday)- A few thankful tears were shed when I finally got to sit down in my plane seat, and a huge sigh of relief that we were finally on our way. 
🌊 
It has been 19 years since I’ve been to Maui and I expected so many changes, which some of it has, but so much is also the same, including places we worked and a few favorite spots. 
🌊
But the best part was getting to be here with my family—watch the girls disappear to find the pool, and the beach, and the smiles on their faces as the realization sunk in that we were actually here!! 
🌊
Today I am thank for @mmoseley15 bringing me back here, beautiful sunsets, the Maui air, and upcoming beach time with my family! 
#MaleaElizabeth @mmoseley15 @emilia_boehmer
Not exactly how I planned to spend my day. 😵‍ Not exactly how I planned to spend my day. 😵‍💫 Thankful for the team at Prestige for sewing the top of my thumb back on. Luckily none of it ended up in the soup. 😬🤣
Saying goodbye (for now), last night, to these bea Saying goodbye (for now), last night, to these beautiful people, was one of the hardest things I’ve done in a long time. The neighbors who showed up with brownies the first time we met them, who became friends, who quickly turned into family—secondary parents to Matt and I,  and grandparents to Malea. 
💛
I have grieved and cried whenever I think about them leaving, for weeks, because I don’t know what it will be like without them. They have always been there for us, supported us, asked us how we are doing, even on our darkest days, and they have loved us and cheered us on, encouraged us to keep going because it will all be worth it in the end. 
💛
I will never hear the end of how terrible it was we decided to move to Palo Cedro and “abandon them”, but that didn’t discourage them from showing up with homemade birthday goodies and driving “all the way to the other side of the river” to stop by and see what we’ve been up to, and encourage us with how well we are living out our dream here on our farmstead. 
💛
I am honored they chose to spend their last night with us (even though technically we were 2nd choice 😉) but it was exactly what I needed. Bev, of course brought gifts that spoke to our hearts, and we reminisced, laughed and I think everyone cried at some point. 
💛
Dear friends I am excited for your new adventure, I can’t wait to hear where we need to go next, I can’t wait to “visit” Europe through your pictures, but please don’t forget to come home, you will be missed!!! 💛💛💛
We worked hard this weekend. 💪🏻 Our amazing We worked hard this weekend. 💪🏻 Our amazing house church showed up and helped us run all the electrical in the back garage—can lights, outlets, fans, exterior lights, etc! We finished so quickly that one couple decided to stay and help us frame out the storage room. 👏🏻
Today Matt and I added the door and a few other things, so now the room is ready for sheetrock! 👊🏻 A weekend of hard work and it ended with a beautiful sunset. Game room should be done in the next couple of months. 🙌🏻
#weekendwarriors #diy
Such a fun weekend away to Mt. Shasta, to celebrat Such a fun weekend away to Mt. Shasta, to celebrate Matt’s birthday. 
I am thankful for the beautiful place we live, friends who are as ridiculous as we are, amazing food, hilarious games, and most importantly my husband—who is definitely with celebrating. 
@mmoseley15 @kah_rhis_10
So this happened. 🏦 I still can’t even beli So this happened. 
🏦 
I still can’t even believe it. I am so thankful to finally be able to talk about this with people, because I am so proud of Matt! 
🏦 
When I first met Matt he told me his dream was to be the president of a bank someday, and here we are, in 6 months he will be. I am so proud of how hard he has worked to get to this place, never taking the easy way, always taking the strategic path, even if it meant taking less pay, a lower title, or doing the work of multiple people to make sure something got done well. 
🏦 
This is a dream come true, a promise of the Lord fulfilled, and I can’t wait to see what this next season holds for us. 
Congratulations Matt, you deserve this, and thank you Jeff, for paving the way, and being such an incredible boss, leader, and mentor for Matt. 
#FaithandFullness #faithfulness
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